I’m a financial advisor. Here’s what my mom’s death taught me about end-of-life planning.

By Melissa Shaw, TIAA Wealth Management advisor

We thought Mom had more time.

Sure, 71-year-old Wanda Gough had the typical aches and pains that come with old age. For the most part, though, Mom seemed happy and healthy. She loved retired life in Las Vegas. She volunteered for the local Meals on Wheels. A huge country music fan, she’d catch concerts on the Vegas Strip whenever her favorite artists came to town (she adored Morgan Wallen). Every few months, she’d fly to Northern California to babysit her 5- and 7-year-old grandchildren—my children—so my husband and I could get away for the weekend.

Over the years, I tried to talk with Mom about estate planning and end-of-life financial planning—I’m a TIAA Wealth Management advisor, after all—but she was fiercely independent. She didn’t like discussing death, money, or taxes, and I didn’t push back when she objected. In hindsight, this was a mistake. Last fall, Mom started complaining about back pain. By October, it was bad enough that she went to the hospital. A day later, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 liver cancer that had metastasized to her spine. By December, she was gone.

Mom’s death hit hard, and unfortunately the aftermath was made harder on me and my family by the lack of end-of-life financial planning by mom and by the misassumption by me and my siblings that we still had time to get her affairs in order. We didn’t.

With that in mind, here are five lessons related to caregiving and end-of-life financial planning that I learned from this difficult experience—lessons that I have been sharing with my clients:

1. Don’t miss the open enrollment period if you intend to sign up for Medicare Supplement Insurance. One of the best decisions Mom made was signing up for Medicare Supplement Insurance—better known as Medigap—when she became eligible for Medicare at age 65. As the name implies, Medigap helps pay what Medicare doesn’t cover, such as deductibles and co-pays. It also gives patients the freedom to choose any doctor who accepts Medicare.

The only catch: If you don’t sign up for Medigap during the six-month open enrollment period—which starts the first month you are 65 or older and you have Medicare Part B—you have to go through medical underwriting to apply. That could mean higher prices or even denial of coverage if you are in poor health or have a pre-existing condition (which, as it turned out, Mom likely did).

Having Medigap meant that Mom’s medical expenses were all covered. It also meant that once we moved her to California to be closer to me and my aunt and uncle, mom didn’t need referrals in order to switch oncologists and hospitals. When we told her new doctors she had Medigap, their reaction was, “Thank goodness.”

2. You’re never too young or too healthy to designate someone to make decisions for you in case of an emergency under a healthcare proxy or power of attorney. When Mom first got sick, she’d done neither. Fortunately, the hospital in Las Vegas suggested she sign a healthcare proxy form after she was admitted. This allowed my siblings and me to make medical decisions when she became incapacitated. 

Mom never did sign a power of attorney form though, which meant we were not able to access her bank account or pay her bills until weeks after she died. Complicating matters further, she didn’t set aside bank statements and other financial documents or tell us where to find them.

3. Don’t expect fast access to a deceased’s bank accounts. Mom understood the importance of naming beneficiaries for her retirement account and her life insurance policy. But like many Americans, she forgot to do so for her bank accounts. When accounts don’t have named beneficiaries, heirs may have to wait until the deceased’s estate goes through probate (a year-long process in some states) before accessing funds.

Luckily, most of Mom’s assets were in retirement accounts and life insurance policies with named beneficiaries, which meant the total amount that went into her estate was below the $184,500 threshold for probate in California. Nonetheless, due to bank rules designed to protect creditors, we still had to wait 45 days to access her bank accounts. Surprisingly, the payout from her life insurance came much sooner—in about three weeks—which made it easier to pay her funeral, burial and other outstanding bills.

4. Research burial and funeral costs ahead of time—and make sure there’s money available to pay them. Frankly, I was surprised how expensive it is to die nowadays. Burial plots can start at $25,000. Cremation costs upward of $7,000.

5. Finally, remember that caregivers need to take care of themselves too. A 2023 TIAA Institute study found  that nearly two-thirds of family caregivers experience not just the emotional and physical toll from caregiving but a professional toll too. I can definitely relate. I thought I had the bandwidth to fully serve my clients and fully care for my mom. I was wrong.

TIAA actually offers generous caregiver leave—eight weeks of fully paid leave to care for a child, spouse, domestic partner, parent, parent-in-law, grandparent, grandchild or sibling with a serious health condition. I regret not taking it. Had I done so, all my attention could’ve been on Mom during her final weeks. My advice to those in similar situations: Review your workplace caregiving benefits, and don’t hesitate to take caregiver leave if your employer offers it.

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Melissa Shaw is a TIAA Wealth Management advisor in our Palo Alto, Calif., office. Across the country, our advisors help clients navigate estate and end-of-life planning with experience and compassion. Talk to your advisor about creating your plan, or schedule an appointment to meet with one.